This is not for you.

This is not for you. It is my time to tear down, to rend, and to hate. Tonight i sit here tonight unable to sleep. Recently i have been betrayed by those close to me and those not so close. I have watched as those around me kept secrets or tried to keep them I have learned who my friends are, and who they are not.

I am tired of doing what is right for no other reason than it is the right thing to do. I am tired of being responsible. I long to indulge my darker appetites and damn the consequences, but i am not that person.

Tonight as is often the case i rage. I rage. I rage without direction or purpose. I allow myself no target to visit my wrath upon and thereby dissipate it. I contain my rage. I rarely allow you to glimpse it. It is not to be shared. It is mine.

Tonight i share. Not with anyone in particular, but with the anonymous web. There is nothing intimate here. I am not bearing my soul to you, my reader. This is not a lesson. I am no teacher or philosopher offering neither guidance or wisdom.

I am writing this for myself. I put words to pixels to examine later in a different time and frame of mind.

I believe anger can lead one down three paths.

The first path is to express your anger. To explode. At someone. At something. At anything. Primal. Visceral.

This is usually an exercise in futility. Rarely will an expression of anger solve you problem. Usually anger is directed at the wrong person. Whether you follow the Chain of Screaming, or the Circle, or the Pyramid, unless you confront the source, you will not solve the underlying issue. Anger clouds the mind. Without clarity it is unlikely that you will accurately identify the problem or correctly determine its solution.

The second path is to contain your anger. Repress it. Bottle it up. Push it down. Control is the watch word.

Ahh control, such is my preferred method of dealing with anger. To put forth a facade of calm while you boil with rage is wonderful. You are thus able to contain lesser angers and can be very useful whether you are dealing with a dimwitted cashier at a fast food restaurant or are conducting the defense at a methamphetamine case.

But containment requires constant strength of resolve. The more you contain your anger the more you must. It becomes expected of you. You are depended upon and greater demands are made of you. When your resolve falters your anger can burst forth like a river contained by a failed dam. I am approaching failure.

So tonight i write. I will try to let my anger go. This is the third path. I will not seek redress or vengeance. I will not offer instruction or forgiveness. I will simply let go of my anger. There will be no resolution. I will not seek confrontation.

I will simply let it go. There will be nothing to express or contain. The anger will sublimate and its vapors will fade away into nothingness.

If i succeed.

Later

Bob