Turning Forty

Birthdays are milestones. Some of them like 16 and 21 are for looking forward. The 40th birthday seems to be for looking back. With that in mind, i'll make an attempt.

In eight days i'll turn forty. This post will be a small effort to come to grips with that. Though"come to grips" is a poorly chosen phrase and is no better than any of the other cliches i may have selected, it was selected because it popped into me head when the stark white writing template came up. My turning forty seems to mean less to me than those around me.

Contemporary Americans have an unreasonable fascination with this birthday. From the hillbillyish "Lordy, Lordy look who's 40" ads in the local paper to the black balloons with 40 on them sold at the party stores, the 40th birthday seems different. The party store also sells black 50 balloons but no one seems to view fifty with the same character and importance as forty. Maybe it is because i am male, were i a female maybe these milestone birthdays would feel different and i'd have had to confront my thirtieth birthday with the dread most women show.

Here is what turning forty means to me in a nutshell: nothing. Nothing really changes. I have already stopped viewing myself as young. I have figured out this is the lie that people tell themselves, that they are still young. No one wants to feel old or even older. Youth is strength, youth is beauty-- old is not. I am not old. I am surrounded by those who are my elders at work all week. I am the elder most weekends. It has been this way since i started working. I am what i am. (Me, not a cyclopian mariner with a chronic amaranthaceaen craving). Maybe i'll return to the topic of youth later.

Given that i am writing this, turning forty doesn't really mean nothing to me. I sense that it ought to mean something by the importance it seems to have to others. So i am trying to work out how that importance may manifest itself to me over the next eight days.

I am secure in my career but i have no real sense of accomplishment there. I am waiting. I have done most of what i have set out to do: avoided boredom, done good work, become proficient at my trade, helped others, even set a good example from time to time. It is my goal to become judge and that means i wait. The next slot opens for sure in 2016. If i am successful in getting elected there may be some sense of accomplishment but i suspect not. I have learned that accomplishment is not one of the things i feel too often. Usually i feel it when i am not looking for it. Doing the things i set out to do does not make me feel accomplished, i expect to be do the things i set out to do.

A lifetime of being me has taught me that i do the things i set out to do. I know that sounds arrogant, and i am arrogant, but that is not what makes me so. I set out to do things that are within my grasp. I do not reach for unattainable goals. I never wanted to be president. It is not in my character to constantly test myself against challenges. I am not particularly competitive. I am more concerned with playing a good game well than with winning. Generally i know what i want and am able to devise a path to get from where i am to where i wish to be. At forty means that i have learned this about myself and am not surprised by it.

I have no children and probably will have none. Erin does not want children. So vicariously living out my unfulfilled dreams through offspring is foreclosed to me. I am ok with that. Children are good. I like them. Children are unspoiled. But i do not feel incomplete without some being bearing half of my genetic code out in the world. Claramary and Stephanie still encourage me to have children, but i think it is not in the cards for me.

I have mentored three protegees. One has long since moved on. I still work with two of them, but not as much as in the past. I doubt that there will be a fourth. I am beyond the age where i can easily relate to those young enough to be effectively aided by the mentoring process. Nor do i still possess the desire to immerse myself in the world of the young. It was a good thing to do, and i am glad i have done so. These three men are three of the best men i know and are good friends. If i played any part in their development, i am glad to have done so and thank them for the opportunity.

I am now at the point where i see myself as a leader in my community. Until relatively recently i did not see myself as such. I played a role, sometimes important, often not. But now that role is changing. I expect to have more influence in the coming years. I see that the maturation process has instilled in me enough experience and insight to gain wisdom. Wisdom is what makes for good leaders. I expect to be a good leader.

I have been brash. I still am. But i see the need to let go of things that i used to define myself in the past. Brashness is something i need to temper. Consequences accumulate. It is time to be bold without being brash.

I also need to work on forgiveness. Forgiveness is better for the bestower than for the object, i accept that. I do not expect to become well known for my merciful nature, but i can become more forgiving and make myself happier in the process. I still expect to be the primary proponent of the Rule of Harshness, but there is room to allow more forgiveness in my personal life. I'll try to work on that.

I am sure that there is probably more i could write. But i am satisfied with this for now. Looking back over the last forty years i am satisfied. Satisfied with what i have done and satisfied with my progress toward that still to do.

Later

Bob

Insert someting clever later

Ok, this isn't going to be a post for the ages. This is a chance to say things that must be said. Organization will be topical and we'll see if it can salvage something out of an otherwise seemingly stochastic set of comments.

Peden, Bearer of False Truths

First of all, it isn't nice to taunt me. There is only one nectar of the gods and i sit here drinking it right now. But i ought to thank you. Sometimes lies, even ones as scurrilous as yours, can lead to greater truths. Having my hopes dashed forced me into action ending my complacency. No longer could i remain in my wretched DLP-free existence. Had it been necessary, i'd have scaled Olympus itself and stared down Zeus to obtain the nectar i now required; but, it was not. I needed only to take a trip to Coldwater with Sam, where we not only acquired DLP but also the lime sheets i have desired. Thus your treachery is completely is completely undone, and you betrayal is forgiven. I'll leave you with one last thought, do not become angry with your good name being besmirched because we both know that deep down you don't care what is said as long as you are the first topic here-- revel in that.

Samy

Thanks must be given. It is good to have a companion who will brave the Fires of Hell, when necessary; or ride along to Coldwater as this case may be. And rich were the rewards. In addition to gaining nectar of the gods we were permitted to partake of lesser ambrosia upon reaching our destination. It was an honor to break bread with you, my good man. Let it be duly noted that you made your objections to the purchase of the lime sheets. Let it also be noted that you are right, "it is ok to ride that dick, just as long as its Barrak's."

Murder

Murder sucks. So do Murder trials. They suck up your time and energy. Like a spoiled girl they demand constant attention and force you to leave other tasks undone. I am glad it is over. Also, i don't care that i tried a great case; of course i tried a great case, that is what i do. I wanted to win. Listen to your lawyer.

Winning

I wanted to win. I always want to win. But truth be told, winning isn't everything. I'd rather play a good game well than win a bad game or win a game i played badly. That was a good game. Clara was a worthy opponent and played well. Mark did a great job, seriously great. Be glad he is one of the good guys, i am.

Keeping Track

I do have some scores to settle. If you've been attentive you know what they are and who is going to pay. All debts must be paid and believe me my memory is long. Refer to this post down the road when it is time to say that i warned you all. If you don't know what i am taking about ask Adam in about six years, he'll be glad to tell you. For these purposes six years is the effective statute of limitations in case you were wondering about the seemingly arbitrary number.

Blessings

One ought not count his grievances without taking stock of his blessings so i'll do so now. I have a wonderful girl who loves me and i love dearly. I have three great kitties. I have a good job despite Barrak's best efforts. I have many good friends beyond those mentioned here. I have my DLP. I have the music of William Shatner. NPH drives us all bats. I have one season of Firefly, three seasons of the Boondocks, five seasons of Angel, seven seasons of Buffy. I can count by odd numbers. My life is good.

Later

Bob