Turning Forty

Birthdays are milestones. Some of them like 16 and 21 are for looking forward. The 40th birthday seems to be for looking back. With that in mind, i'll make an attempt.

In eight days i'll turn forty. This post will be a small effort to come to grips with that. Though"come to grips" is a poorly chosen phrase and is no better than any of the other cliches i may have selected, it was selected because it popped into me head when the stark white writing template came up. My turning forty seems to mean less to me than those around me.

Contemporary Americans have an unreasonable fascination with this birthday. From the hillbillyish "Lordy, Lordy look who's 40" ads in the local paper to the black balloons with 40 on them sold at the party stores, the 40th birthday seems different. The party store also sells black 50 balloons but no one seems to view fifty with the same character and importance as forty. Maybe it is because i am male, were i a female maybe these milestone birthdays would feel different and i'd have had to confront my thirtieth birthday with the dread most women show.

Here is what turning forty means to me in a nutshell: nothing. Nothing really changes. I have already stopped viewing myself as young. I have figured out this is the lie that people tell themselves, that they are still young. No one wants to feel old or even older. Youth is strength, youth is beauty-- old is not. I am not old. I am surrounded by those who are my elders at work all week. I am the elder most weekends. It has been this way since i started working. I am what i am. (Me, not a cyclopian mariner with a chronic amaranthaceaen craving). Maybe i'll return to the topic of youth later.

Given that i am writing this, turning forty doesn't really mean nothing to me. I sense that it ought to mean something by the importance it seems to have to others. So i am trying to work out how that importance may manifest itself to me over the next eight days.

I am secure in my career but i have no real sense of accomplishment there. I am waiting. I have done most of what i have set out to do: avoided boredom, done good work, become proficient at my trade, helped others, even set a good example from time to time. It is my goal to become judge and that means i wait. The next slot opens for sure in 2016. If i am successful in getting elected there may be some sense of accomplishment but i suspect not. I have learned that accomplishment is not one of the things i feel too often. Usually i feel it when i am not looking for it. Doing the things i set out to do does not make me feel accomplished, i expect to be do the things i set out to do.

A lifetime of being me has taught me that i do the things i set out to do. I know that sounds arrogant, and i am arrogant, but that is not what makes me so. I set out to do things that are within my grasp. I do not reach for unattainable goals. I never wanted to be president. It is not in my character to constantly test myself against challenges. I am not particularly competitive. I am more concerned with playing a good game well than with winning. Generally i know what i want and am able to devise a path to get from where i am to where i wish to be. At forty means that i have learned this about myself and am not surprised by it.

I have no children and probably will have none. Erin does not want children. So vicariously living out my unfulfilled dreams through offspring is foreclosed to me. I am ok with that. Children are good. I like them. Children are unspoiled. But i do not feel incomplete without some being bearing half of my genetic code out in the world. Claramary and Stephanie still encourage me to have children, but i think it is not in the cards for me.

I have mentored three protegees. One has long since moved on. I still work with two of them, but not as much as in the past. I doubt that there will be a fourth. I am beyond the age where i can easily relate to those young enough to be effectively aided by the mentoring process. Nor do i still possess the desire to immerse myself in the world of the young. It was a good thing to do, and i am glad i have done so. These three men are three of the best men i know and are good friends. If i played any part in their development, i am glad to have done so and thank them for the opportunity.

I am now at the point where i see myself as a leader in my community. Until relatively recently i did not see myself as such. I played a role, sometimes important, often not. But now that role is changing. I expect to have more influence in the coming years. I see that the maturation process has instilled in me enough experience and insight to gain wisdom. Wisdom is what makes for good leaders. I expect to be a good leader.

I have been brash. I still am. But i see the need to let go of things that i used to define myself in the past. Brashness is something i need to temper. Consequences accumulate. It is time to be bold without being brash.

I also need to work on forgiveness. Forgiveness is better for the bestower than for the object, i accept that. I do not expect to become well known for my merciful nature, but i can become more forgiving and make myself happier in the process. I still expect to be the primary proponent of the Rule of Harshness, but there is room to allow more forgiveness in my personal life. I'll try to work on that.

I am sure that there is probably more i could write. But i am satisfied with this for now. Looking back over the last forty years i am satisfied. Satisfied with what i have done and satisfied with my progress toward that still to do.

Later

Bob